My match.com subscription ends a week from today, so I went ahead and told them not to renew me. But before I end my whole online dating adventure, I have some new emails to post. And believe me, they’re good.

On July 21st, I received an email from a guy whose profile heading is “Looking for a real Cinderella ,no witches in drag.” Here goes:

Psst

Cinderella I have the glass slipper if your foot fits, I’d make it story book .So I dare you to cross this line my lady ________________________ to meet your white knight and champion .Once you touch my heart my lady I would slay any dragon to win your favor .Let me wake you from your matrix, like Highlander there can be only one.


A logical choice given the variables of statistical choice and numeric probabilities.

First, let me say that the emails I post here are 100% exactly what I receive. I copy and paste these emails directly from my match.com email account and post them here. All the mistakes in grammar and spelling are 100% their own mistakes. As for this guy, I’m not sure what the whole “logical choice” stuff is about. And I’m not sure about that whole ___________________________ thing. Anyway, on to the next one.

Two days later, I received an email unlike all the other emails I’ve ever read. From the first sentence, I knew it was an original. I don’t usually post the names of the guys who send me these emails to protect their identity, but I have to post the name of this guy, purely because… well, you’ll definitely see by the end of the email. Anyway, this is a message from NaturalMan7778 (45, Long Beach, MS, US Seeking women 29-44).

I’m in town for a couple of days for an elective surgery and want to know if you might offer some comfort. If you want a private get together, we can meet in a public place. I will be here (Fri - Sat). I just had a scalp surgery to remove a scar (today - slept through the day, keeping me up tonight - pain med). There is a bandage on my head. I’m staying in a hotel here in Altamonte Springs and don’t know anyone here. A friend I’ve known for years said she wants to come up from PBG and another from back home too, but you look incredible. If you enjoy making people feel better and want to come practice being my nurse, thank you. I’m a massage therapist, so I might be able to return the kindness. I’m not that impaired, but having a fill in nurse would be helpful to take my mind off the discomfort and might be very enjoyable. I choose not to have sex (celibate - waiting for marriage (Christian); may sound corny but true), but some semi-non-sexual intimacy would ease the pain, ie, cuddling, watching TV in bed, kisses, caresses, etc). I also have to move slowly right now, so enjoyable intimacy is what I’d like. I’ve never done anything like this. I’m healthy and well, except having a spiritual challenge with desire right now. Being away/alone/ increases that temptation. There is a swimming pool here, too.

… 

…

…Seriously?!?!?!

I was shocked when I read this. How high on pain medication do you have to be to send a woman half your age an email like this? Ladies, if you’re on match.com and you get an email like this (particularly from men twice your age), don’t go to a hotel room with them for some “semi-non-sexual intimacy.”

This is why I’m leaving match.com. It’s the stupid stuff like this email. I mean, I’m looking for an actual relationship and this guy is looking for a nurse. Hire someone. Don’t try to get a nurse with benefits from match.com, where there are people looking for someone to marry. Trust me dude. You’ve never been married because you look like a pedophile. Your emails sound like you’re a pedophile. You’re probably a pedophile.

So, I have a week left of my subscription. I’ll post any other outlandish emails I get between now and then, but after that, I’ll have to go back to meeting people the old fashioned way. Yikes! But no worries. I’ll continue to bring you all along for the ride. Thanks for sticking with me and to my new followers: Hello! Welcome to the stupidity that is my dating life.

Mr. So-Far-So-Good hasn’t suggested that we meet yet. He’s been just texting the general niceties. Although, he does get points because he does usually text to say “good night and sweet dreams.” So he’s sweet. He’s just not proactive about chasing me. I guess he wants me to do all the work and I’m not into that.

I’ve also gotten a few emails from match that were interesting.
The first comes from a guy under the username “SmoothandChill (25, Orlando FL):”
I forgive you
I know you seen I was interested in you. So I’m not even worth wink, it’s ok I forgive you. But how are you doing?

This dude doesn’t seem to be as “Smooth” or “Chill” as his name suggests. The email was a mess. Not so smooth, buddy. Fail.

Another email comes from K****Guy*** (24, Orlando, FL).
Hi
Hi how’s it going?
Three hours later, he writes:
Hi
I should have started with something a little less generic than “hi hows it going” Im new to this online dating thing. What was the theatre prodcution [sic] you saw? Michael Buble he happens to be my favorite artist as well. I own all his music. One of the few artists that I am willing to pay for.

Well… he tried. He gets credit for trying. I would have responded, but I just wasn’t attracted to him and I feared that on a date, all we’d have to talk about was Michael Buble. I can sum up my opinion of him pretty quickly: I adore him
At 4am, I also received an interesting email from a guy I’ve never talked to before. Mike9**** (33, Lakeland) writes:
When are you taking me some place nice?
Hey there sexy ! I am ready when you are Mike [his phone number]

I kinda want to get another google phone number and use it to text him (so he doesn’t have my real phone number) and mess with him. I mean, honestly… does he really think a girl is going to respond positively to something like that? I don’t know him and more importantly, he doesn’t know me.

If there are any guys out there following my misadventures, perhaps you can enlighten me. Why do guys send emails like this? Do they think they’re being “Smooth”? What is going on in the mind of a guy when he pushes the send button after writing an email like the ones I’ve been receiving?

I also received a facebook message from a guy at work. He was one of my trainers at work and he’s also the boss sometimes when another coordinator calls in sick. So it’s incredibly awkward, but he writes:
hey it was fun to see you again today. I wanted to invite u if you want to the movies, maybe to see socerers apprentice.
What am I supposed to do about that? He’s my boss and I am definitely not attracted to him. He’s a lot older than me too. Do I just pretend I never got the message? Or do I respond to it to say that I’m busy or that I’m not interested?

So, I’ve decided to ignore the whole work-everyone-flirting-with-everyone situation and just find someone else I like more. A day after my last post, I received an email from a guy I’ll call Mr. So-Far-So-Good. We emailed for a week, then I decided to move it to text messaging. We’ve been texting for a good week now and he hasn’t suggested we meet or anything, although he’s said all the right things so far. He seems like someone I’d really like to hang out with, but I guess because I initiated the texting (and I invited him to find me on facebook), I’m going to let him ask to meet me for a real date.

On another front, Tennessee has been texting me again. I continue to refuse to respond to him. I get maybe a text every week or so and they vary from just “:)” to “hey, how’s it goin’?” and still, I will not be answering him. To me, Tennessee is just another state in the Union.

Otherwise, I’m staying busy working. I also picked up a second job… so now I’ll have zero time for myself. But that’s okay. I’ll be paying the bills, which pretty much rocks.

I know the life of this single girl seems pretty boring for now… but I am hoping for at least one summer romance, and of course, I’ll continue to spill all the details. ;)

Well, boring.

I’ve gotten a few emails lately, but they’ve been pretty much non-eventful.

Actually, I got one email from a guy named Tamin (really? Is that a name?) who just wrote:

blah!

Yeah. How am I supposed to respond to that?

Before that, I got the following email from a guy I’ll call The Usual, mostly because he seems kinda plain and boring and safe. His first email read:

Hello, my name is [His Name]. You’re a writer and playwright? Very cool. I was an acting major at UF until last May when I graduated. Have any favorite plays or playwrights? Maybe I’ve performed or read something from them?

I hope to hear from you soon.

I didn’t really respond because I was busy and because he seemed boring. Two weeks later, he sent me this:

Hey!

Alright so you said something about persistence so I’m going to go ahead and give this another go. Maybe the short and sweet approach didn’t cut it. So here’s where I’m at, and go ahead and let me know if I’m way off track here.

I read your profile and I liked all of what I read. The writing and playwrighting were immediately big draws, but then you went on to reference Yoga, which I know I have personally learned a great deal from and still practice. And you have a picture with a golden, which is pretty much the greatest breed in existence, bar none.

Beyond these immediate draws, you say you have depth, which I consider an essential quality. I’d like to think I have a great deal of depth as well… actually I know I do. And it would be nice to see the quality reflected in someone I wanted to talk to.

So, before I get too wordy, I’ll just say, I’d like to boot up a dialogue. If you’re already involved in something, feel free to file this way until you’re not, I haven’t found many people here that, at least from their own words, have the quality you seem to. Anyway, there’s the second pitch. Feel free to say hello and maybe it’ll lead to, at least, an interesting conversation.

Take care,

[His Name]

I thiought that was sweet, so I took the time to respond to him and we’ve been emailing back and forth a little. Nothing too fire-y. Just the Usual, which is from whence I got his name. I’ll be sure to keep you all updated on this one.

I have a question for you guys. There’s a guy at work who I’m starting to like. I’ll call him Dark and Tall. I just found out that he’s got a girlfriend who he’s not crazy about and that one of my good friends at work, who I’ll call Claire, is crazy about him. He’s been initiating everything with me, from the facebook friend request to flirty conversations at work. But Claire is my first real friend at work. And I certainly don’t want to get in the middle of anything. But he’s the first person I’ve actually liked since Tennessee (who I don’t hear from any more).

My question is… is it wrong to flirt back with him? I’ve been restraining myself from doing any serious flirting given the situation, but is it harmless or am I just getting myself into trouble?

Hey guys.

Got a good one for ya. Usually, I try to respect the privacy of the guys who email me because it’s the right thing to do. But because this next guy has the stupidest name, I have to publish it. It’s part of his appeal, I think. This email comes from a guy named dumjerk (38 seeking women 26-45 [I am 21]):

Hi, this cyber flirting stuff is kinda awkward but I saw your profile was blown away by your smile and just had to write. Figured the worst you could say is “no”… well I guess you could say “Yuck loser- go away!” But what are the chances of that? ;o) Anywhichway, nothing ventured nothing gained and no shame in getting shot down by a beautiful woman. Tears but no shame…Well please check out my pics, I know I’m no Adonis but I usually don’t cause children to run away crying or have people throw rocks at me either and my profile - it shows my twisted sense of humor and I’d love to hear from you if it makes you giggle. Thanks for reading ~ [his name]

I was going to assume that you don’t make children run away, but since you felt it was necessary to mention it, now I’m doubtful. And as for his profile, here are a few key quotes:

As for personality, well the doctor say that as long as I keep taking my medications I’ll be alright (kidding – well sort of) … Anywhichway if I had to describe myself I’d say I was a “mostly reformed very bad boy, dyslexic high school drop out, highly educated, politely obnoxious ego maniac, smart ass attorney who likes to cause trouble… But well this is an ad and I believe in truth in advertising so there it is. Me. The wreck that I am. P.S. Did I mention that my parents met in a psych hospital???

Maybe I’m too judgmental, but this dude just seems weird and awkward. And, why would you name yourself “Dumb Jerk?” Isn’t that a bad omen into the relationship?

I’ve got some new, fun and dumb emails! Yay! [Insert eyeroll] This morning at 2:55am I received the following from Sas***5 (24, West Palm Beach) (without a picture on his profile)

hi

wow… u r to cute to be single…what happened?

What happened is that there are idiots like you who don’t know how to treat a woman, so I refuse to date them. Plus, you don’t know how to write a proper email. And you don’t know the difference between to and too. And your profile has spelling and grammar mistakes in the first sentence, so I’m not going to bother to read the rest of it.

********Patrick (29, Cocoa Beach, FL and the same guy who emailed me last time, but I didn’t respond)

Wouldn’t call you curvy. You are very beautiful.

Okay thanks. I know you’re trying to be sweet, but I would still classify it as a fail. Our next winning email comes from ocean**** (39 [almost twice my age], Jacksonville, FL)

good morning

Please pardon my intrusion and abrupt email. I hope that you allow me a chance to chat with you. Thank you.

Umm…. okay. You didn’t intrude on me. That’s why I’m on match.com—to get emails from guys. I think your approach was to be overly polite so as to set yourself apart, but it makes you sound like you have a social disorder. Plus you’re not within the age range or distance range I’m looking for. So… no.

I’ve gotten several other emails lately and I haven’t responded. Partly because I’m busy and partly because half a bald and the other half are stupid. How about a normal guy who can write a normal email (and therefore has some social skills) and who I can be attracted to? Isn’t there one out there?

Hello followers!

I am so sorry to just now be updating you all on my match.com adventures.

First, let me post some messages I’ve received (and answer their questions!)

don’t even know you, but proud to have read this!!! i find the key to dealing with a jerk like Tennessee is to take the power back. Kudos to you for cutting off the communication.

Cheers

http://adatinglife.wordpress.com 

Well I’m so glad you’ve found me! Thank you so much for staying tuned in! And yes, it is hard to maintain the wall against Tennessee because I did care for him. But I refuse to be treated like I don’t matter, and refusing to return my phone calls or texts for more than a week makes me feel like I don’t matter. And that doesn’t flow in my book.

Your tumblr caught my attention. It’s like reading a novel. You haven’t updated in a while, what happened with Tennessee?

Tennessee has actually texted me a few times since my last update. This is what he said.
Three weeks ago, he said “You ditched out on me ya know.” I didn’t respond.
Then two weeks ago, he texted me to let me know that he was going to delete my phone number. I didn’t respond. 
Then last week, he said “Watched the black and white phantom of the opera today and thought about you.” I still didn’t respond.
Then, last Sunday, he texted me to inform me of the following: “This blows.”

My suspicion is that he found someone else in Tennessee, then when that didn’t work out, he turned back to me, but he decided that the lack of communication would be my fault. Despite the fact that I called him several times for a week. Despite the fact that I texted him with no response. Despite the fact that I left him several voicemails to prove that I called him because he would always say that his phone never rang or informed him of a missed call… uh-huh. Suuuure.

Anyway, I’m back to match.com. I went on a date with a guy I will name Puerto Rico. We went to Epcot (he’s a season pass holder and I’m a cast member so the admission was free!) and ate at the French Pavilion. He paid for the $90 dinner and we had a great time exploring the park. I had never been to Epcot (I work at Hollywood Studios) and he knew it well, so he acted as the tour guide. We have a lot in common and he was genuinely sweet. We watched the fireworks and then called it a night with a gentle hug. That was last Tuesday and we’ve texted once or twice since then. He’s busy with friends in town, but after they leave, we’re going to my milieu over at Studios at the end of the month.

I’ve also received some interested emails so I have to share!

F*******Patrick (29, seeking women 18-31) writes:

Names Patrick

Which I guess he deemed sufficient as an opening email. Yeah, fail.

Serenity****** (37 [my mom’s age], seeking women 21-45) writes:

Do Not

Do not let age fool you!

I am young at heart and active. These older ladies cant keep up with my sense of adventure! I am looking for an adventurous spirited woman and I loved your page and would love to take you with me on my next journey.

Lets grab a flight to Vegas or go rock climbing in Sweden!

Are you up for it?

Seriously? This feels very cut and paste. Plus, he has to know I’m not actually going to join a man almost 20 years older than I am on a trip across the country/the world. I also enjoy that he is seeking a woman up to 45 years old, however, they can’t keep up with his “sense of adventure.”  Perhaps I’d respond if you were 1) within my age range and 2) able to write a personalized email which makes me feel like you’re actually interested in me and not sending the same message to every 21-year-old girl you find attractive on match.com. Whatever. Another fail.

Right now, I’m busy with my new job at Disney anyway, so maybe it’s a good thing that nothing too good seems to be on the horizon.

Today is day #6. Yesterday was #5 and the day before that was #4. 

Today is the sixth day I have not heard from Tennessee. I’ve called, left voicemails, texted and bbm’d. He’ll respond to a bbm or a text, but only limitedly. He’ll say something without actually saying anything, then I won’t hear from him again for the rest of the day. He hasn’t called in six days.

I’m not sure what the deal is. I’ve called several times times in the last six days and I am officially no longer calling or texting or bbming. He has lost me.

It was two weeks ago exactly that we started dating. It’s totally weird, but that’s how my relationships work, in two-week increments. I don’t do it on purpose, it’s just how it goes.

So even though I’ve been worrying and wondering why he decided he didn’t want to return my calls, I’m done. I’m done worrying and wondering. I am returning to match.com and I will begin dating again.

Also, I just got a new job, which I’m very excited about, so I’m going to focus on that as well.

So, thanks followers, for sticking with me, especially when Tennessee did not. Look forward to more wacky emails from the men boys of match.com. Here we go again…

Hmm…I dunno if this Tennessee thing will work.

I didn’t hear from him at all yesterday. We talked every day so it was definitely unusual. Even when his phone breaks, he usually calls from his house phone, but I didn’t get a bbm or a call. 

Today, I had a job interview and I hadn’t heard from him, so I was full of nervous anxiety. I went to the gym to work it off. Then he bbms me.

Tennessee: Did you think I was dead?
Me: Omg yessss. What happened?
TN: I thew out my shoulder. The dr. gave me a shot and I passed out. I’m at work now, so I bbmd you.

Honestly though… I’m not feeling it. I don’t know why. Our phone convos consist of me thinking he’s kind of an idiot. He threw out his shoulder because his friend kept saying that he could throw the baseball faster so he had to prove his friend wrong. And he drives at 140mph for sport. Cause he’s bored. Seriously, if you don’t see yourself marrying that person, why the hell date them?

It’s frustrating because I’m crazy about this boy, but he’s a fool. They say that to make a couple, you need a girl that can handle his brand of stupid and a boy who can handle her brand of crazy. I don’t think my crazy equals to his stupid. Mind you, my crazy is significant, but it is much less than his stupid.

So am I just so desperate for someone to care about me that I go for the first one who wants me most? Plus, he’s in Tennessee. Which is freakin’ far away. 

Ugh… I’m just gonna go with the flow I guess. I mean, I did change my relationship status on facebook. Which kind makes it official.

Just between me and you tumblr, is it okay that I’m glad I still have match.com if/when this goes really stupid?