My match.com subscription ends a week from today, so I went ahead and told them not to renew me. But before I end my whole online dating adventure, I have some new emails to post. And believe me, they’re good.
On July 21st, I received an email from a guy whose profile heading is "Looking for a real Cinderella ,no witches in drag." Here goes:
Cinderella I have the glass slipper if your foot fits, I’d make it story book .So I dare you to cross this line my lady ________________________ to meet your white knight and champion .Once you touch my heart my lady I would slay any dragon to win your favor .Let me wake you from your matrix, like Highlander there can be only one.
A logical choice given the variables of statistical choice and numeric probabilities.
First, let me say that the emails I post here are 100% exactly what I receive. I copy and paste these emails directly from my match.com email account and post them here. All the mistakes in grammar and spelling are 100% their own mistakes. As for this guy, I’m not sure what the whole “logical choice” stuff is about. And I’m not sure about that whole ___________________________ thing. Anyway, on to the next one.
Two days later, I received an email unlike all the other emails I’ve ever read. From the first sentence, I knew it was an original. I don’t usually post the names of the guys who send me these emails to protect their identity, but I have to post the name of this guy, purely because… well, you’ll definitely see by the end of the email. Anyway, this is a message from NaturalMan7778 (45, Long Beach, MS, US Seeking women 29-44).
I’m in town for a couple of days for an elective surgery and want to know if you might offer some comfort. If you want a private get together, we can meet in a public place. I will be here (Fri - Sat). I just had a scalp surgery to remove a scar (today - slept through the day, keeping me up tonight - pain med). There is a bandage on my head. I’m staying in a hotel here in Altamonte Springs and don’t know anyone here. A friend I’ve known for years said she wants to come up from PBG and another from back home too, but you look incredible. If you enjoy making people feel better and want to come practice being my nurse, thank you. I’m a massage therapist, so I might be able to return the kindness. I’m not that impaired, but having a fill in nurse would be helpful to take my mind off the discomfort and might be very enjoyable. I choose not to have sex (celibate - waiting for marriage (Christian); may sound corny but true), but some semi-non-sexual intimacy would ease the pain, ie, cuddling, watching TV in bed, kisses, caresses, etc). I also have to move slowly right now, so enjoyable intimacy is what I’d like. I’ve never done anything like this. I’m healthy and well, except having a spiritual challenge with desire right now. Being away/alone/ increases that temptation. There is a swimming pool here, too.
I was shocked when I read this. How high on pain medication do you have to be to send a woman half your age an email like this? Ladies, if you’re on match.com and you get an email like this (particularly from men twice your age), don’t go to a hotel room with them for some “semi-non-sexual intimacy.”
This is why I’m leaving match.com. It’s the stupid stuff like this email. I mean, I’m looking for an actual relationship and this guy is looking for a nurse. Hire someone. Don’t try to get a nurse with benefits from match.com, where there are people looking for someone to marry. Trust me dude. You’ve never been married because you look like a pedophile. Your emails sound like you’re a pedophile. You’re probably a pedophile.
So, I have a week left of my subscription. I’ll post any other outlandish emails I get between now and then, but after that, I’ll have to go back to meeting people the old fashioned way. Yikes! But no worries. I’ll continue to bring you all along for the ride. Thanks for sticking with me and to my new followers: Hello! Welcome to the stupidity that is my dating life.